Nicole's Diary - Page 9

As I've written before I have a property in Newark, NJ that thankfully (finally) has good tenants. Source of peace. But there always has to be a little rumble when you're a landlady. I didn't know it would come in the form of my lovely landscaper. He's gotta be 75+ in age. He really is a very nice man. We've actually never had a conversation for more than 15 minutes but I feel as if I know about every ailment that slows him down these days. So sweet. He knows little about my personal life, but feels the need to always ask, "You got that ring on your finger yet?" Or like the last call, "What you need is a man to whisk you away to an island and propose!" I have no idea what this has to do with how high the grass and weeds are--and as of today, they are! There is no answer for him when he "goes there" except, is marriage the only option?  For some it is. He doesn't like hearing that. Maybe it's a generational thing. I found that years ago when you let that idea go of marriage being the only option it makes life a LOT easier.  So young ladies, take note! Life is not a Disney movie. :) When I really assessed my life, I realized I'm very passionate about everything, including those with whom I become very close. But when I'm creative in my work, I'm in control of my happiness. When you hand it over to another, well...I don't want to piss off my married friends so let's just say from what I hear marriage is a lot of work and I work hard enough. And even when there are a few bumps in the road, at the end of the day I really enjoy creating, writing and screening for audiences out for a cultural feeding. It is quite a thrill. My landscaper is not the only one who badgers me.  And I know it's because he thinks I'm about 10 years younger than I actually am. Yes, the fertile years. A lot of women refer to these as "the best years of my life." Society puts pressure on women over forty enough. Last year that pressure was self-inflicted. I had to decide which surgical vs. medical option was going to rid the female plumbing, let's say, of numerous tumors that were growing inside my body.  Many women have to make a choice. We just don't talk about it. Why? I feel a lot has to do with what others (potential mates) will think about us.  I had just been in an experience where I know I less desired because I wasn't 10 years younger. With that knowledge of why this guy left and now faced with a medical issue all at once it became a tough tough time. Devastating, actually. But it helped so much to speak with friends (and there turned out to be many who could finally divulge this secret) who have been in the same situation. Your fertility cannot define how much you choose to enjoy your life and for too many of us it does. But you know what's worse? Hearing "Man, I'll bet you'll have some pretty babies with her! I know you'll have some pretty babies." Now, a year later, it really stings hearing--or not hearing--that. No one ever knows the full story, do they? Must remember to revisit that "words can never hurt me" motto. Neither can bouncy 25 year old women who have the oldest men at the club--who really don't want the responsibility of children--vying for them. I'm just sayin'.

  After posting the thumbs up from my recovery room, I was showered with good thoughts and prayers. So blessed to have the support. Very grateful.

After posting the thumbs up from my recovery room, I was showered with good thoughts and prayers. So blessed to have the support. Very grateful.